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Always remembering the negatives


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#1 Guest_Downer_*

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Posted 25 December 2012 - 01:26 AM

I only remember/ think about the negative things with the people around me.
They could treat me really well, but I will still only remember the things they don't do so well in.
I try really hard to think about all the good things they have done for me, but I can't help it, the bad things just float on top.
This has been happening since I was very young. I'm 18, and I have a feeling I wont like who I turn out to be.
What is wrong? What can I do?

#2 Guest_sss_*

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Posted 25 December 2012 - 06:14 AM

it's christmas, you grinch, enjoy life Posted Image

#3 Guest_Guest_*

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Posted 25 December 2012 - 09:46 PM

Of course it is only practical to remember who is asshole.

#4 Guest_ideally only in theory_*

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Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:08 PM

does NOT work if only you remember the positives, while people around you remember all your negatives, and the 20% that you didn't do or missed.

#5 Guest_afg_*

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Posted 27 December 2012 - 01:11 AM

Every one has both positives and negatives and only ever looking at one creates an unbalanced POV. A healthy POV is to be able to look at both aspects of a person or situation in a balanced way.


yeah ... and what if that person DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH BALANCE for you to "remember or recall too many positives"

Pretty hard, don't ya think? Sure I would like to believe in "balance" but really ... I just try to see people "for what they really are ... or how they appear to me at the time".

EVEN IF I'm not judging people based on "their whole character to me" ... it does not mean I don't judge or get an impression out of what they're doing in the moment or present time of what I'm talking about, in regards to the current topic or impression

Understand the difference? Because alot of people don't think of that

#6 shar0n

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Posted 27 December 2012 - 02:24 AM

Balance is about debit and credit in a P&L statement. If it is in the red/negative, then its negative goodwill. If it is in the green/positive, then it is positive goodwill. I usually write off people who has negative goodwill and deemed as no fate with them.

#7 muddy

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Posted 27 December 2012 - 04:10 AM

I remember the negatives too, so does everyone on this planet. That's why bad things make the biggest front page news and good things make it to the 13th page of the paper.

In other words you're normal.

#8 lovetvbshows

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Posted 27 December 2012 - 11:56 PM

it is easier to remember the negative things because they bring up bad feelings. But you also recognize that your family have positives too. I think it is about expectations of people. If you expect them to not do those negative things, then you might feel disappointed when they are being negative. But you can see the good and the bad together and may be say that yeah, they are not perfect but they do love me, care for me and do good things for me.

#9 shar0n

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Posted 28 December 2012 - 02:04 AM

Once bitten, twice shy

#10 Guest_Guest_*

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Posted 28 December 2012 - 02:18 PM

I only remember/ think about the negative things with the people around me.
They could treat me really well, but I will still only remember the things they don't do so well in.


You supposed to not forgive those people who treat you badly. One time and it is over.

#11 shar0n

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Posted 28 December 2012 - 02:58 PM

Game over

#12 Guest_afg_*

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Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:29 AM

Sure there are some people whose behaviour is largely negative, but just remember no single person is irredeemably all the way through bad. I'm not unrealistically all 'hold hands and sing kumbaya' (*puke*) about people, but there are always reasons for why people choose to behave badly (not that that makes them any less responsible for their choices) but understanding that can make it easier to interact positively with a very negative person. And even open the door to change.



Not always more positively ... but maybe a bit more carefully

#13 Aspire

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 06:00 PM

You normally find it easy to give criticisms than to give compliments when somebody asks you for an opinion. This is one bad habit people often exhibit. Criticisms are good as long as they are constructive, but constantly focusing on negativity isn't going to build yourself too. Remember, the happiest people are always those who are appreciative of good deeds done by others. Also, life is a mirror, so if you focus too much on the negative stuff, people will do the same to you, too, sooner or later.

#14 i.am.me

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 07:45 PM

I can understand your predicament although I am not really like you. That is, I have this problem where I laugh and joke around with people that I normally dislike because I forgot that I dislike them...after a moment I am like, "DARN IT! I hate that person!!! Why did I laugh and talk to them!"

The truth is, people are subjective. What you must remember is that these opinions are solely your own inclinations which you must conciously make the effort to change. You must purposefully try to look for the positive attributes and characteristics in others to mitigate the negativity. In time, this will become a habit. You are a young person, but you are quite insightful of what you believe is a shortcoming in your views. AND you are trying to change it, so that's great!

#15 nomad 822

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 11:21 PM

It depends - if choices were available .... hang around people who are obviously tolerant, opened-minded, easy-going, NON-judgemental ... whatever goes, whatever will be will be type of folk.
Normally I find people willing to experiment and try stuff outside of their comfort zone belong to this category. And people with humor, ability to walk in others' shoes or see many other perspectives belong to this category.

And people who stand on the same page matters ... because even if you were easy going and tended to let their faults/slights go, it does NOT mean people will reciprocate in kind to what they perceive to be your 'slights' to them when it comes to you.
ie You can be as positive as you want ... it doesn't mean these same people won't see your negatives and extend your the same 'see positive' courtesy you gave them. Yup, double standards.

I know firsthand even when you let some things go rather than focusing on the negativity or retorting back ..... when it comes to your turn, it does NOT always neccesarily mean the same folk will turn a blind eye to your mistakes or faults, or are ultra-sensitive about what you said, and take offence.
And that's when I feel it's pretty unfair.


I just came back half an hr ago ... from listening to an 'easy going' (or so I think) dance friend tell me her visiting 'sis in law' (from the US) was "weird". (it's really when I hear offhand comments like that ... that it tells me what people really THINK, even if they never say it out loud and give other impressions).

Apparently friend's 6 yr old niece left glasses of milk, juice etc half drunk for hours all around the house during their Christmas-break 2 wk visit to Canada (dance friend's house)..
.
To my friend, it was a reflection on her mother (ie her sis in law) and the upbringing she instilled = ie friend considered her SIL was too lax. And this coming from my friend ... who I always deemed was pretty easy going herself!

When I was listening to this - I was thinkig: "Really? Maybe it's just the child's personality ie some kids who aren't very compliant, and mom's words are falling on totally deaf ears" ... and offered the suggestion that maybe it was just the child's personality.

Afterall my dance friend is a mom herself. And some kids just don't follow the rules, even if the mother was spitting out blood trying to reinforce rules 100x a day consistently. Next came this .... the older two sisters (12, 9) aren't brought up quite right either. Or the mother herself should just clean up after the 3rd one who was leaving all these half-drunk cups around the house. And those half drunk cups of milk and juice were also wasteful, in her opinion.

Judgement. I am guilty or it, as everyone else is. As my friend was judging her SIL ... I was also judging my dance pal and seeing her with new eyes.

You see this in people everyday - at work, at the places hanging out.
stay Even if you hide in your own space to stay peaceful, out of it and avoid them and try avoid judging them yourself ... they come looking for you.

I also know people who say things positively but actually mean comments as veiled barb meaning the opposite. Read the nuances. It's a finely honed art. NAmerica is all about phrasing things positively.
for eg:
"It's nice your child has a lot of energy".
The mother finds out later ... what was really meant was: "OMG, your child was a hyperactive holy terror at the party".

And that inner judging still continues, among many folk.
Are they really positive or being positive? They APPEAR to be ... but so many things are intolerant to them .... stuff that really, I consider really NO big deal at all.

At the end of the day ... what people consider 'a big deal' is really subjective. Some things bug some folk ... same things other folk can laugh and shrug off easily bec to them it's immaterial.

It's also different value systems on what each individual consider important/unimportant what skews perspectives - on whether they view some issues positively or negatively.


eg:
I used to work with this colleague where it's ok if she's 30-45 mins (like really late) a couple of times ... keeping the entire meeting waiting. But it's ok, as she would say: "she's 90% punctual. most of the time". (in other words, people are supposed to forgive her couple of times).
But yet she would openly sarcastic of other people who come in only 5-10 mins late habitually. Making snide remarks to harp constantly about 'some people'.

Give and take? Being positive and forgiving? It should work BOTH ways.

To me:
Scenario 1 is actually worse - the wait time is so long (30-45 min ... added up twice = that's actually more delay than 10x 5-10 mins constant lateness or equivalent).
Scenario 2 - the habitual 5-10 latecomers ... so what if something starts slightly later? 5-10 mins are very small delays.

Edited by nomad 822, 05 January 2013 - 11:33 PM.


#16 Guest_afg_*

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Posted 07 January 2013 - 11:01 PM

Not always more positively ... but maybe a bit more carefully


It depends how well the resolvement goes

#17 Guest_afg_*

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Posted 07 January 2013 - 11:10 PM

I can understand your predicament although I am not really like you. That is, I have this problem where I laugh and joke around with people that I normally dislike because I forgot that I dislike them...after a moment I am like, "DARN IT! I hate that person!!! Why did I laugh and talk to them!"


I wouldn't say it's wrong ... just weird. yeah it would feel awkward ... but if it's someone you can easily get into conversation to and have a laugh in between, it's no prob

#18 Guest_maddie_*

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Posted 10 January 2013 - 06:48 AM

Kindness does not beget kindness.

#19 nomad 822

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Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:54 PM

Kindness does not beget kindness.


Agree - sad to say, one of those myths we grew up with.

What they forgot to add was - kindness only begets kindness, IF you're dealing with people on the same page.
IF you're dealing with takers and opportunists ... you're just putting yourself on their radar as a giver, and sometimes ... sucker.